


Been on the Low

by StarSingingAuthor



Series: Sanders Sides Song Fics [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, College AU, Self Harm, Song fic, Suicide mention, blood mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-08-09 07:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16445255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSingingAuthor/pseuds/StarSingingAuthor
Summary: All his life has been planned out, told he was going to be this and do that. He never had a choice. He thought no one would understand.





	1. 1-800-273-8255

**Author's Note:**

> Well this took a turn and I am not sure how to feel about that in truth. Like I planned for angst but for some reason this is not what I expected. There is more to this, I just felt this would be a better stopping place than continuing. I do plan on Patton and Roman coming in at some point, also I want a fluffy ending dang it. Also this is kinda unedited and also may not fully flow well. I was just kinda going with it. The lyrics are from 1-800-273-8255 by Logic and Believer by Imagine Dragons. If there is anything else I should put in the content section please let me know.
> 
> Cross post from Tumblr

_I been on the low_  
I been taking my time  
I feel like I'm out of my mind  
It feel like my life ain't mine 

Logan dragged his feet slightly as he walked across the campus. It was obvious by the bags under his eyes that he was tired but more than that was his posture. Most who interacted with him before knew the man had perfect posture but today he was slumped over as he walked. It seemed as though the weight of the world rested on his shoulders, or that was the feel that any who looked at him would get. If anyone bothered to ask the man he would say he was fine, not that he expected anyone to ask.

After walking for a while Logan finally settled on a bench and slouched back against the wood. He watched as people walked past, some that he recognized from his classes but none seemed to notice him. None seemed to be bothered by the man who was drowning. He clenched his jaw before sighing heavily. Why would they be bothered by a machine? A humorless laugh left him as the thought floated through his head. No one thought he had emotions, and no matter how much he tried to repress them he did have them. They reached a crescendo, a point where Logan felt he couldn’t deal with them anymore. The expectations to succeed, the pressure to be perfect and never fail. Everything, he was drowning in it all. 

~~

_First things first_  
I'mma say all the words inside my head  
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh  
The way that things have been, oh ooh 

Virgil stalked along the sidewalk, glaring at the ground as he walked. It had been another day where he was called out and ridiculed, and he was tired of the treatment. He was tired of people turning a blind eye to things that were going wrong. Just because it was the normal didn’t mean it was right! What did they not understand about that? He tapped anxiously on his thigh as he walked, trying to relieve some of the stress he was feeling as he walked.

Then something caught his attention from the corner of his eye, someone he recognized from his psychology class. What drew his attention though was the fact that he seemed so tired, and worn. Whenever they were in class he was never anything less than proper. So Virgil plopped down on the bench across from the man.

“Hey, the exams kicked your ass too?” He asked quickly, not leaving himself any time to back out. Something was wrong and while he may have been angry at the world, this man seemed to have been beaten by the world.

Logan looked up, blinking slightly in confusion of the man who suddenly sat across from him. His dark hair was dyed a purple on the top and Logan suddenly recognized him from a class. That was what he was asking about, right? He opened his mouth to answer before just silently nodding his head. It took too much energy that he didn’t have to conjure the words. Virgil just watched him silently for a moment, before shrugging.

“It was a bitch. I studied all night beforehand but I still feel like I bombed it. But then again I always feel like I bombed all my tests. It leads to a pleasant surprise when I actually pass them.” He chuckled slightly, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “But I think more than that exam is bothering you, isn’t it?” His tone softened but the question caused the other to freeze.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Logan pushed his glasses up and avoided meeting Virgil’s gaze. “Besides what does it matter to you, we’re only strangers after all.”

“You’re right, we are. Doesn’t mean that we have to stay that way. My name’s Virgil.”

“...Logan.” It was a long moment before he responded, not sure what to take of this darkly dressed man. He was the only one who even seemed to notice him there, and took the time to sit with him and talk a bit.

“It’s nice to meet you Logan.”

~~

_I don't wanna be alive_  
I just wanna die  
And let me tell you why 

Logan stared blankly at his cell phone, the screen dimming before shutting off from the call he had just received. Of course they would have found out. They always found out and yelled at him. All he wanted to do was take a class that actually interested him, out of the many that he never had any interest in anyway. But of course they took issue with that. Told him he needed to focus more on his proper studies. That he needed to focus and graduate. He needed to become a doctor after all.

A growl came from the man as he swiped the phone off the table, causing it to land and slide a few feet away. He never wanted any of this. He wanted to be a teacher instead, helping kids learn difficult things. But no, his parents told him he wouldn’t make it in that. So they told him they would only pay for college if he went into a medical field.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it. He hated it. He wanted out but there was no escape. He was drowning still, with no way to the surface. Logan’s nails dug into his arm, pulling him from his thoughts even if for just a moment. He needed out, he needed help, he needed it to stop. His thoughts were snowballing and he couldn’t stop them, he couldn’t control anything. It was all out of his control. It was all in someone else’s control. But there was something that was in his control.

~~

“Aren’t you burning up?” Virgil asked as he sat next to Logan. The man tilted his head curiously to the other, as though unsure what he meant. “Dude, it is hot outside and you’re wearing a long sleeved shirt. You gotta be burning up.”

“No, I find this to be quite comfortable actually.” He replied, turning to look over the notes written in his binder. “The air conditioner in here is usually turned to a much higher temperature after all.”

“Mhm.” Virgil nodded, watching him for a moment longer before he turned to the front of the class.

~~

_I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic_  
And my life don't even matter  
I know it I know it I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it  
I never had a place to call my own  
I never had a home  
Ain't nobody callin' my phone  
Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?  
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine 

Logan couldn’t even make it to his senior year. He broke long ago and no one was willing to pick up the pieces. He knew Virgil wouldn’t, the man had other things to worry about. More important things than the robot. 

Logan laid on the bed of his apartment, staring at the ceiling. He hadn’t eaten, he actually couldn’t remember the last time he had or when he last attended class. It didn’t matter anyway, his grades were slipping and his parents were going to pull away from his failure. He was going to end up without a degree in anything, and without the apartment they helped him with.

None of it mattered anymore. He didn’t care about any of it anymore. Not the rumbling that seemed so far off, or the pounding headache he had. It would be fine, no one needed him anyway. As he rolled over, wincing slightly at the pulling on his wrists, he noticed the shouting. But who was shouting anyway? Why were they shouting? Then he recognized his name being yelled, muffled by the walls. Slowly he pushed himself up and went to the door where he could now hear a loud pounding. When he finally pulled the door open he wasn’t expecting to see a near panicking Virgil on the other side.

“What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” Virgil shouted before pushing himself into the apartment, pulling Logan along by his arm. 

“Wh-what do you mean?” His voice broke slightly as he tried to clear his throat and continue.

“You weren’t in class all week and stopped answering messages. You wouldn’t pick up the phone!” Virgil held out his phone showing the several outgoing calls he had made to Logan’s phone. “I was afraid something had happened to you.” He finally lowered his voice.

“I don’t see why you were worried about me. We aren’t that close.” He pushed his slightly bent glasses up, missing the way that Virgil tensed. He didn’t miss the gentle tugging on his hand though and realized what he had done.

“Logan, I...you really think I don’t care.”

“No one else ever has.” He winced as a thumb gently rubbed over the scabbed over cuts. 

_I want you to be alive_  
You don't gotta die  
Now lemme tell you why 

“Then let me be the first. I do care about you Logan.” Virgil spoke calmly, more so than he felt looking at the dried blood that was smeared over the other’s arm. The arms that were more pale than normal, seeming weaker than normal. “Please. Don’t you want to see the stars when it gets cold with me? The sky is always so clear then.”

“Why?” His voice was breaking as he spoke. “Why do you care so much?”

“I’ve been there. I’ve been to the darkest depths and thought I would drown. I thought no one was there for me either, and you know what? Someone found me. They stuck their hand in to help me no matter how much I pulled them down. And I never want anyone to go through that. You don’t deserve to go through that.”

“But I’m not supposed to feel, I’m supposed to be better than this.” Tears were welling up behind the glasses, blocking the blue eyes and causing the room to become blurred. 

“You just need some support.” Virgil pulled the man into him, hugging him tight as the walls seemed to crumble.


	2. Believer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Children could be cruel, why did it seem that was a truth of life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this still took a turn. I hope that this one isn’t too bad. Again it is not edited, just me working on writing things. Lyrics this time from Believer by Imagine Dragons and Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance

_I was broken from a young age_  
_Taking my sulking to the masses_  
_Writing my poems for the few_  
_That look at me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me_  
_Singing from heartache from the pain_  
_Taking my message from the veins_  
_Speaking my lesson from the brain_

Of course it was all a lie, it always ended up being a lie. No one really thought he was actually likeable, it was all a joke. Virgil angrily wiped at the tears that clouded his vision, it was stupid of him to be so upset. He chose to believe them, he chose to believe that someone really wanted to go out with him. But of course it was all a joke, it always was. 

Oh, ask out Virgil cause it’ll be funny. Somehow that made sense to the other kids. It didn’t to him though, but he guessed that was all part of the joke. With a slight hiccup he pulled out his notebook and began to doodle in it, A small drawing took form before he left it and began to write alongside it. Just whatever was coming to his mind. It was a small way to ease what he was feeling.

“That is a really awesome drawing!” The sudden voice startled the boy and caused him to fall sideways and almost out of the chair he was sitting in. He looked up to see the new kid, Roman, smiling at him.

“Uh...thanks..” Virgil righted himself back in his seat and went back to his notebook, assuming that would be the end of it. It normally was, either someone decided to comment on something he was working on or they decided to mock him. He never bothered to figure out which they were doing.

“How long have you been drawing?” The other boy asked as he settled into the seat next to Virgil, letting his backpack sit against the desk’s leg. 

~~

Roman darted through the halls of the school, looking desperately for the now familiar black and purple hoodie of his friend. He had caught wind of the rumors that were floating around, of the cruel prank that was played on Virgil. As soon as he heard them laughing he had yelled at them before taking off to find the boy. And he was having trouble finding him. There was only one place left he had yet to check and he was hoping that he wasn’t there.

“Virgil?!” He called through the door to the roof. Students weren’t really supposed to be up there, but they never really locked the door or closed it off. So Roman and Virgil would eat lunch up there, making jokes and pointing out shapes in the clouds. “Virgil are you up here?!” He pushed through the door and looked around the roof and immediately his eyes were drawn to a figure near the far edge. Roman quietly walked over and sat against the edge near him.

“They’ll never change. They will always be like that.” Virgil finally spoke after a long silence settled between the two. “I just want to disappear. No one would really care if I did anyway.”

“I would. You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to disappear.”

“Roman, you could honestly do better than me. I’m the school’s outcast and I’m only dragging you into this with me. You would have so many more friends without me.”

“But you’re a true friend. I doubt any of them would text me when I miss class, or text me memes at ungodly hours of the morning.” He chuckled lightly before leaning back to look over at Virgil. “You let me try new makeup styles on you, and you seem to enjoy the time we spend together. And I really enjoy hanging out with you Mr Doom and Gloom.”

Virgil chuckled softly at the nickname and looked up at the cloudless sky. “It’ll never change you know. They’re only going to continue and it will get worse for you too.”

“Then let me be you knight! Together we can conquer anything that comes our way.”

_You made me a, you made me a believer, believer_  
_You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer_  
_Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain_  
_My life, my love, my drive, it came from..._  
_Pain!_

~~

Logan and Virgil sat on the couch in Logan’s apartment. Things had quieted down a bit while the two sat together.

“I know you may not care much for them, but what about calling over the others and having a movie night? I think it might do you a world of good just to have a night not worrying about anything but the illogical nuances in the movies.” Virgil was smirking slightly as he looked over at the the other.

“I suppose that would be sufficient. But what about…” His voice trailed off slightly as he rubbed uncomfortably along his arms. Virgil didn’t say anything before getting up and walking into Logan’s bedroom. He came out with a pair of pajama pants printed with periodic element symbols and a tee shirt. He handed them to the confused man before shooing him into the bathroom. 

“Go change. I have a solution. I’ll text Roman and Patton. I won’t tell them anything is up, I’ll leave that for you to tell if or when you’re ready.” Virgil fished his phone from his pocket and shook it slightly as Logan slowly made his way into the bathroom. Virgil dialed Roman’s number, knowing well that Patton would also be with him.

~~

Roman was curled up on the couch with Patton laying over him slowly drifting off to sleep. Both were startled by the loud “A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams Your misery and hate will kill us all So paint it black and take it back Let's shout it loud and clear Defiant to the end we hear the call” that was Virgil’s ringtone. After groaning and shifting around as to not drop Patton on the floor he finally got the phone and answered it.

“My Chemically Imbalanced Romance, what were you calling me for?” Roman greeted and questioned as he gently let a hand run through Patton’s hair, smiling softly at the sleepy smile he gained.

“I need you and Patton to grab some snacks and stuff for a movie night. Whatever movies and snacks ya can and meet me at Logan’s apartment.” Virgil’s voice came over the receiver.

“We didn’t have a movie night planned tonight though.”

“He really needs this. Just please trust me and get here.”

Roman sighed slightly before nodding and saying, “Okay, we’ll be there in at least half an hour.” He heard a noise from Virgil before the line went dead. He gently shook Patton awake and explained what was going on. “We’re having an impromptu movie night over at Logan’s my love. You need to wake up.”

~~

Logan walked out of the bathroom dressed in the pajamas that Virgil had given him. “Virgil, I fail to see how this will assist me with the issue at hand.” He had his arms crossed over his stomach, almost hugging himself and looking off to the side. He didn’t see the anxious man shrugging out of his jacket and only noticed when it was held in front of him. “I can’t that’s your jacket.”

“It is, and it is also comfortable and warm. You can borrow it since I think tonight you might need the comfort a bit more than me.” Virgil shrugged slightly but his cheeks were slowly becoming pink. His mind racing with maybe he overstepped his boundaries. When Logan finally took the jacket and slipped it on with a quiet ‘thank you’ Virgil smiled. “No problem dude. Now I’m going to grab some pajamas, Patton and Roman should be over in a little while. Good thing I started leaving clothes here after all the nights you helped me with homework.” It was muttered softly but gained a laugh from the other man.

“Thank you Virgil.” Logan smiled softly as he pushed his glasses up, the sleeves of the jacket almost covering his hands.


	3. Halo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddle puddles and past memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as though everyone is pretty wildly ooc in this one. I’m sorry about that. My mind was set on it going a certain way and this was how it went. This one doesn’t actually have any lyrics but it is based around the song Halo by Beyonce So far everyone has a song. Logan’s was 1-800-273-8255, Virgil’s was Believer and now Patton’s is Halo. I wonder who it is referencing though :3

Roman and Patton stood together outside Logan’s apartment, shuffling slightly with the bags they had picked up from the convenience store along the way. It worried both of them a bit that it was Virgil calling an impromptu movie night at Logan’s, and on a weekday no less. Normally Logan was more focused on his classes than to have movie nights. Regardless, there was a reason for Virgil calling them, so they were there to support the two in any way they could. Before they could muse on the subject further the door was pulled open revealing Logan wearing Virgil’s jacket, zipped almost all the way up, and his periodic table pajama bottoms.

“Come on, Virgil has been setting up the living room.” Logan motioned for the two to come in, not registering the shock that was quickly hidden on their faces.

“Sure thing Lo.” Patton chirped as he bounded into the apartment, dropping the plastic bags in his hands on the living room table. Roman followed after him, theatrically moving through the apartment and dropping his bags as well.

Both of them had noticed how tired Logan seemed, and the almost broken tone in his voice. They shared a look before glancing over at Virgil who was half behind the television to connect a cable to it. 

“So, what are we going to watch first? I suggest Moana to start.” Roman called as he pulled the dvd from a bag.

~~~

Patton sat in the back of the classroom watching as the other students filed in and formed their normal groups. They all talked happily as they found their seats, or sat on the desks themselves to continue talking. A light tapping came from his desk as he tapped the eraser of his pencil on the notebook. It seemed it would be a better day, none of them had said anything to him yet. None of them had noticed him. The thought crossed his mind that maybe that shouldn’t dictate when it will be a better day but that was the reality of his situation. The other kids made fun of him constantly for the way he acted and the way he presented. He was lost to his thoughts and didn’t notice when another student had taken the seat next to him. So when they spoke, it startled him and caused his pencil to hit the floor.

“Oh, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” The student bent over and retrieve the dropped pencil before handing it back to Patton. “I just wanted to ask where we were in the book. I just transferred here, so I don’t know really where we are in anything.” Patton finally looked at the new kid and noticed the bright hazel eyes and dirty blonde hair. They were someone he hadn’t seen before, evident by their comment of being the transfer student.

“Oh, uh we’re in chapter 37. We just started the chapter though.” Patton spoke softly before realizing something, “If you need help catching up I can help you.”

“You are a lifesaver! I’m only up to chapter 35. Oh, I’m Roman, what’s your name?”

“I’m Patton.”

~~

The four men had settled on the couch while the movie was playing. Virgil was on Logan’s right side, leaning against him as Patton was mirroring him on his left. Roman was sitting next to Patton with his arm along the back of the couch, singing loudly to every song. While he knew it wasn’t needed, it was something that was causing an amused twitch of Logan’s lips. So he would gladly play the fool for his friend. It wasn’t long before Patton joined in, realizing exactly what Roman was doing. So he sang along and sometimes pulled Roman up to dance with him as they laughed. Virgil chuckled as he snuggled against Logan. 

“You two are being absolutely ridiculous.” Logan’s voice, while still tired sounding, also held a tone of amusement as he watched the two.

Roman paused in his motions as he turned to Logan with a cheeky grin, “You know you love us.” He gave a wink and spun with Patton.

“I do..” Logan’s voice broke slightly when he spoke, staring at the floor as tears started to gather in his eyes. Virgil shot a worried glance at the two before he wrapped his arms around the man and pulled him close. Roman and Patton were also quickly by his side, wrapping him in hugs which caused him to quickly unravel.

~~

“You know the longer you hang out with me the more likely it is you’ll be targeted too right?” Patton stated as he rubbed at his bruising arm.

“And why would I want to leave you? You’re my friend. Actually you’re the first friend I made here. So I think you’re pretty well stuck with me.” Roman stated as he offered a can of juice. “So as long as you’ll have me then I’ll be here.” He smiled brightly at the other, causing him to pause was he was doing as his heart seemed to skip a beat.

“Thank you.” Patton gave a smile back, “I’m okay with being stuck with you.”


	4. I finally wanna be alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning to live is a whole different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this one. I finally finished a story. Although it isn’t that long, and it took me forever. Regardless, I hope everyone likes the ending.
> 
> Cross posted from tumblr

Logan had resumed classes, getting support from the three men he called his friends. But still that darkness hovered over his thoughts like a cloud. The thoughts, the urges, they didn’t simply go away like he thought they would. He thought it would be so much easier. 

It was one day shortly before exams that he broke down again, trembling as he held his phone and stared at the screen before him. The text conversation he had with Virgil was open and he slowly typed into the text box.

~ im scared\  
~ what do you mean lo? are u okay  
~ its too muchg everything is too much i cant take it  
~ do u want me to come over  
~ yes

His hands shook as he set the phone down on the floor next to him. He had been sitting there for hours at least, he wasn’t sure. Logan just realized how much time he was lacking before the exams and the stress of everything seemed to hit him all at once. 

_I want you to be alive_  
You don't gotta die today  
You don't gotta die  
Now lemme tell you why 

Virgil opened the door to Logan’s apartment with the key he was given a while back. He quickly looked around the living room and found Logan sitting on the floor against the couch, almost curled completely in a ball. He made his way over to Logan, speaking softly as to not startle the man.

“Hey Lo, I’m here. What happened?” Virgil questioned gently as he knelt next to the coffee table.

“I’m afraid, I don’t want to.” Logan’s voice was soft and shaking as he looked up at Virgil. “I’m afraid of death.”

_It's the very first breath_  
When your head's been drowning underwater  
And it's the lightness in the air  
When you're there  
Chest to chest with the lover  
It's holding on, though the road's long  
And seeing light in the darkest things  
And when you stare at your reflection  
Finally knowing who it is  
I know that you'll thank God you did 

“You aren’t going to die.” Virgil reassured him.

“I’m afraid of myself, I can’t stop the feeling. I can’t stop wanting to feel the pain. I’m afraid I’ll go too far.”

“Logan..” Virgil spoke softly, pulling the man into a hug. “I’m so glad you got a hold of me. Please know I’ll always come help you out. You aren’t alone anymore. I won’t leave you by yourself when you are in this state.” He started to rub gently on Logan’s back, calming him and also becoming almost like a ground.

_I know where you been, where you are, where you goin'_  
I know you're the reason I believe in life  
What's the day without a little night?  
I'm just tryna shed a little light  
It can be hard  
It can be so hard  
But you gotta live right now  
You got everything to give right now 

“I think I need to see someone.” Logan finally muttered after an extended silence. “But I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of going alone.”

“I’ll go with you if you want.”

~~

Logan sat on the couch of his shared house, looking over the faded scars on his arm. He sighed heavily, the guilt of what he had let himself do settling on him. He was startled from his thoughts when someone touched his back.

“Lo, my moonbeam, what’s wrong?” Logan glanced up and saw Virgil smiling softly at him. 

“Today was a bit of a harder day. So my thoughts went more towards things I regret.” Logan explained as he shuffled the sleeve down over his arm. Virgil settled himself on the arm of the couch, leaning slightly against Logan as he wrapped an arm around him.

“I’m sorry. But now you can always come to me, I’m just in the other room.” He smiled and nuzzled his nose into Logan’s neck, causing him to laugh.

“You’ve been here for me for so long. Thank you.” He wrapped an arm around the man slightly awkwardly due to their position. “I love you.” He whispered softly, almost inaudibly.

“I love you too.”


End file.
